These Things I Know

 

THESE THINGS I KNOW

 I have been on Earth for nearly 47 years. There are several things that appear self-evident to me that others might not have thought about. Here are forty-seven things that I have found out.

 1             Blu-tack and carpets are not comfortable bedfellows.

2             Taking an umbrella guarantees that it will not rain.

3             There is no need to rinse rice before or after cooking it.

4             There is no cure for cats using your garden as a toilet.

5             English people really like to talk about the weather more than anything else.

6             Three products that are not replaceable with shops-own brand: Fairy Liquid, Heinz Beans, Beer.

7             Your insight will always be superior to the football commentator.

8             There is time in your life to watch a sunset.

9             Three things not to do: tattoos, motorcycles, cigarettes.

10           There will always be someone who knows more about fixing things than you.

11           Women are adults at 20. Men are adults at 40. That’s the problem.

12           Do not be intimidated by scaffolders.

13           A posi-driv and a Phillips screwdriver are not the same thing, and it’s impossible to distinguish them.

14           There is great beauty to be had by getting up early.

15           Always buy the best wine you can afford.

16           Modern politicians know nothing of history – even recent history.

17           You will reach a point when people younger than you seem to be having more fun. It’s OK, and don’t resent it.

18           If you wait long enough, the sports team you don’t like will lose in the end. Be patient.

19           Sometimes side-stepping political conversations is necessary to maintain friendships.

20           By the time you are forty you will start losing your heroes.

21           Beer or wine, not both.

22           Three things to always have in the car: corkscrew, nail clippers, sweets.

23           Dr Pepper is a good restorative. Works for me.

24           Try to see as much of France as you can.

25           The good people of the United States are foreigners, don’t be misled by the language. We have more in common with the French. Think about it.

26           The music you love the most comes from the year you were fifteen.

27           You need to leave your phone alone.

28           You need to eat something you have grown or killed yourself.

29           Boil eggs from cold.

30           The real name of William the Conqueror was William the Bastard. Not to his face, though.

31           Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Numan.

32           We are all related to each other.

33           Our bones are all the same colour.

34           A horse sweats. A man perspires. A lady glows.

35           A horse has a belly. A man has a stomach. A woman has a tummy. Respect and be accurate with language. Embrace the joy of gender. Accept difference.

36           After forty, you will become ever more emotionally fragile.

37           The people who paid no attention to grammar have already won.

38           Three things to never pay full price for: mobile phones, aeroplane flights, hotels.

39           Read a print newspaper of your choice when you have the time.

40           It’s really good for an understanding of the size of this planet to cover a large distance on foot, then try to find it on a map.

41           Know the rivers where you live. Try to describe where you live without using place names.

42           The stories that your grandparents tell you will be the ones you want to tell your own grandchildren. Listen carefully.

43           Sell-by and use-by dates are for the nervous. Does it smell bad or look bad? If not, eat it.

44           There is no substitute for a new pair of socks.

45           Champagne is just a place.

46           If local people are eating there…

47           You have two ears and one mouth for a reason.